I say this with a smile on my face with a feeling of accomplishment, excitement, happiness, relief and comfort. All the feelings that I thought were waiting for me at the bottom of a bottle. Turns out that what lay at the bottom of that bottle was anger, shame, despair, hurt and dullness.
You lied to me and gave me a false sense of confidence. The ability to act mindlessly and make short sighted decisions. You took more than you gave and led me to believe life would be better with you. I often acted recklessly under your influence and listened to your voice that told me I couldn’t live without you. I thought I needed you to celebrate, to socialize, to help me get my words out, to be that “fun mom”. I gave birth to my son and you were there that night as I lay recovering and absorbing the thought of what parenthood meant while my son lay in ICU. You helped me block out the feelings I needed to deal with while he lay very ill and may not make it to see the next day. I thought that you would keep me calm but in fact you made me more anxious.
You slowly destroyed my confidence and led me to believe that if I had you in my life everyday I was being “normal”. I realize now, that there is nothing normal about going to bed under your influence and waking up and doing it again.
This is our final goodbye, you can move along and I am now free from your trap. I have met real people that have helped me pick up the pieces, that have encouraged me and given my life meaning. Things that give me more value that you can ever imagine. I have gotten to know who I am, I am learning more about myself everyday and I like it. Since I left you 1.5 years ago I have moved to another country, dealt with the stress, anxiety and celebrated the joys and achievements. I am creating a future that I can be proud of, enjoying the experience, going to bed peacefully and talking to myself lovingly. Without you I have the time to do more, be more and have the ability to do it more sensibly. The chaos you caused blocked my vision, left me numb and trapped.
Doing life without you has given me a life that you would never be capable of giving and I won’t let you be part of this chapter, so goodbye for now and forever!
Your old friend