This has to be the most challenging letter I’ve ever written. It’s as if I’m breaking up with a long term partner. You were with me through thick and thin, the good times and the bad times. From my teenage years through to my thirties, from England to New Zealand and all the places in-between. Broken hearts and broken bones, criminal records and broken homes. You were my biggest downfall, a thorn in my side, an abusive partner that I no longer need in life.
I forgave and forgot, and I came crawling back. Every day was a fresh start, a new morning to restart our glorious relationship.
You’d whisper in my ear; your sweet voice would lure me in.
“Just one more drink”
I’d happily drink the night away, and you’d leave me to rot. The lights went out, another blackout. Another memory stolen, another promise broken. You lied once again, just like you did every single day. Until you left me a broken, suicidal mess.
As is always the case with toxic relationships, I appeared to be fine on the outside, but inside you were slowly eating away at my soul. You broke me down throughout my adult life, leaving me physically and emotionally corrupted. My body had been poisoned, and my mind had become shrouded in darkness.
When I was at my lowest point, I believed suicide was the answer to remove all the hurt I’ve been harbouring — a way to escape from this life we created. Back then, I thought that only my death would remove your power over me.
This time a different voice whispered from deeper within, an untainted place in my heart.
Finally, I could see what you’d done to me. The lies and deceit came crashing down as I realised how you’d brainwashed me for two decades while I happily let you take the lead. But now it was my time to run away from you.
If I had stayed with you, I would have taken my life; I needed to leave you to survive.
Finally, I’m at peace, away from your abusive tendencies.
The choice was clear, I chose life over you — sobriety over suicide. I decided to listen to the voice inside me, to break free from our relationship and find happiness.
Real happiness without you.
Realise I no longer want you in my life. The year without you has made me stronger, wiser and finally become true to myself. The love I have found for myself has filled the void inside me. The wound which you had promised to heal, but only etched deeper.
My life is better without you. I have seen through the lies. It was never about us; it was only ever about you.