May 20, 2024
I want to talk about shifting boundaries in sobriety. Getting sober is not for the faint-hearted if drinking has been part of your life for years. The first time I even considered that boundaries were part of my problem was during my sobriety. But first, a story for you.
I met a woman this year who lives in Maine, USA. We met online when she reached out for some coaching help. We had several Zoom meetings and she told me that she was drinking what she called “cocktails” most nights of the week. She drank with her husband. She worked for her husband too. They lived alone and their job was to renovate homes.
This woman (let’s call her Sylvie) started to feel uncomfortable with her drinking. She felt that she was changing and not coping anymore with the alcohol: she woke up in the mornings feeling groggy, hungover, and guilty. She did not want to drink every night, or even a few nights. She wanted to take a break.
And that is when the issue of boundaries arose. Sylvie’s husband encouraged her to drink. He also begged her to work for him. She stripped wallpaper, carried huge loads, moved building materials, and painted walls. Her household chores took a back seat. Her hobbies were put on the shelf. The dogs went without walks. And Sylvie’s discomfort increased. Until she started to look at her values and her personal history.
The big Aha moment for Sylvie was to discover that she was of value to herself and others, that she had so much value to offer the world. The second Aha moment for Sylvie was reminding herself from whence she came: a childhood filled with trauma where she was one of the middle kids in a family of 6 kids when her parents got divorced. She felt identity-less at the tender age of 10. It was a messy divorce and her mom had to bring up the 6 kids alone.
Sylvie married a man who was very controlling and narcissistic, and she divorced him to raise her own two kids alone. Then she met her second husband, whom she lives with in Maine, and her own kids are older now, with their own families to worry about.
Sylvie is an introvert, and her self-esteem took a huge dive. Why am I telling you this? Because Sylvie had never known that there are boundaries in life and in relationships. And boundaries have a huge say in who we are at the end of the day!
I encouraged Sylvie to focus on HER values, HER needs, and HER benefits to those around her. I sent her articles to read about boundaries and exercises to do. The outcome? Sylvie stopped drinking. She drew up new and brave boundaries to boost her own self-esteem: she told her husband that she was not drinking with him. She told her husband that she was not working for him full time.
And she gave herself some gifts: 2 mornings off a week to journal and listen to podcasts, to walk the dogs, and to do her own things. She gave herself the gift of exercise in the form of pickleball and yoga and she organised some pottery lessons to enhance her creativity. When Sylvie went out socially, she managed very well with lemonade or a mocktail. Sylvie found a balance in her life, and she learned also how to say no to alcohol.
What is the moral of the story? YOU are important! YOU need your own space to get sober and to cope in your life. Let’s look closer now at what boundaries are and how we can set good boundaries to assist us in our recovery.
Did you know that all of us need to understand and establish clear and healthy boundaries if we want to live clear and healthy lives? Boundaries enhance your life vision which clear the path for you to attain all your personal goals. This applies to both your personal and working lives.
This is the space between you and another person – that physical space which is also an emotional space. This is kind of like your aura – it is where you end, and another person begins. Have you ever got that feeling that you need to take a step backward when you are in a room and standing beside other people?
Sometimes there is the feeling that if someone steps over that boundary or space, there will be negative repercussions. Many of us have a boundary that keeps us who we are. When someone breaks that boundary, we turn into someone we don’t want to be! It is the emotional space where you can retreat to be who you are without the pressures of a social outside world.
I must say, I get really resentful when someone oversteps my boundaries. I only realised that I was allowed my boundaries until I stopped drinking. While drinking, I was able to let things go, to allow people to take advantage of me and my space. Then, when I started to live life in the raw, to see and to feel, without the wine, I got deeply resentful of people close to me who were violating my personal space!
Yes, our boundaries are that emotional and physical perimeter of our lives which are violated when we are abused either verbally, physically, emotionally, or sexually. It hurts!
Healthy boundaries are one of the main ingredients of self-care. Without this crucial ingredient, the cake will flop: the results are dangerous to our health. The effects of having no or weak boundaries are: burnout, stress, relationship problems, money problems, time issues, and dis-ease.
Setting boundaries is one part of self-care and self-care is all about making time for YOU: relaxing with a book, taking a walk, going to the gym, lying in a hot bath, going for a massage, journaling, studying something interesting, and eating healthy foods.
We can set different boundaries for different relationships at home, with partners, with friends and at work. What happens then, when we stop drinking after a life of drinking? As I mentioned earlier, when drinking, I ALLOWED people to walk all over me because I could hide behind the wine.
It is a fact that people who do too much of anything (drinking, taking drugs, eating sugar, exercising) tend to have weaker boundaries than a balanced individual who does everything in moderation. Remember that when you get sober, you are no longer that person who you were when drinking. You are learning and growing and realising so much about your own self-worth.
Threats to our boundaries when we are in sobriety include those friends who will continue to convince you to have a drink come on! And those friends who pressurise you into doing those things you used to do when drinking or drunk. How will they react when you say no? Will they think that you are being rude or pushing you away? Or are you merely setting healthy boundaries to enable your sobriety to become an autonomous, happy individual?
According to Restoration Therapy, some people simply will never respect your boundaries. Those people may become your ex-friends. I lost a few friends along the way of my sober journey. And I had to push away family members too. Now, 6 years later, I am re-establishing those broken bonds and finding that we all come from a complex life, and we can all understand each other and our individual needs for personal boundaries!
Think of someone with whom you battle to set healthy boundaries. This could be your partner, your boss, your employee, a parent or your child. Ask yourself:
Say how you feel. State your needs. Set a boundary firmly, clearly, and respectfully. Use few, strong words. There is no need to feel anger or to have to justify these boundaries. If you apologise for setting boundaries, then you are sending mixed messages.
A sign that you need to set boundaries is the way you are feeling: resentment is a big one, anger, whining or complaining, being a victim. Listen to yourself, tune in to your needs. Find out what you need then state it assertively.
I love this advice from Positive Psychology:
Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. Set them in your own time frame, not when someone else tells you. Develop a support system of people who respect your right to set boundaries. Eliminate toxic persons from your life—those who want to manipulate, abuse, and control you.
At first, you will probably feel selfish, guilty, or embarrassed when you set a boundary. Do it anyway and remind yourself you have a right to self-care. Setting boundaries takes practice and determination. Don’t let anxiety, fear or guilt prevent you from taking care of yourself.
Now you try! If you need support or help along the way in your sober journey, contact Tribe Sober today and become a member. Remember that connection is the antidote to addiction!
