It’s been a long time coming and it’s not been easy to stay away from you. When life’s thrown things at me you were the first thing I’d run to, but I’m not running away with you anymore. There was a time when I thought you would solve all my problems but you left me lonelier, unhappier, angrier and with more problems than before. Instead of numbing the wound, you reopened it and I felt your sting.
When I first took you, I thought I was welcome to come and go as I pleased, but I chased you more and more for what I thought was a relief. But only a false sense of freedom from pain you could give. You entrapped me silently like a cunning snake taking a hold of its prey, slowly crushing it to its death. Like quick sand or sinking mud you were something I should have stayed away from – the moment I drank you, I was playing with fire.
You changed the person I was, gentle, happy, giggly, shy – into an arrogant, argumentative, bitter and poisoned existence. Now I see you for the poison you are and how you poisoned me. Without you, I feel my old self again. Without you, the sun shines brighter, the birds sing louder, and when I look outside my window, it’s no longer black and white – I can see colour again.
I no longer see the world as a bleak place to escape from but a place full of opportunity and new beginnings. Your love was a lie, your comfort was a lie, your support was a lie, everything I thought you were was a lie, a lie I wanted to believe and I did. My eyes are open now and I can see you for what you really are and I’m not lying for you anymore.
I am no longer under your illusion and I will no longer let you cloud my judgement. All the things I thought I could be with you were untrue. I could never be free happy or healed with you in my life.
I’m writing this letter to say goodbye and to acknowledge the pain you cause, to remind myself that you’re a liar and I’ll never have any of the things I want and deserve to have and be as long as you are in my life.
It took a long time to get here, I have come a long way and still have a long way to go, but with my new-found hope and desires you once robbed from me, I will rebuild myself piece by piece.