I apologise for the sending this letter of explanation only months down the line (you must be going mad wondering what you did wrong) but I needed some time out, some space and to be alone for a while and sadly but most definitely could NOT chat to you.
I often wonder what my life would have been if I’d never been introduced to you; but I can’t as you’ve all I’ve ever known and you have been my “person’ since forever.
You were a very big part of my family. OK, let’s be honest, you were family when I was growing up and I clearly remember you being with us always. No matter the occasion, who was there or where we were, you always stood out. I look back over the years and can’t quiet remember what the celebration was for, who was there, where we were but I always remember you being there. My parents invited you everywhere with us – you were the only constant in my life.
So, it’s no surprise that I fell for you. Since my teens you have watched me “grow”. We have absolutely no secrets between us. From school to college, you’ve met all my friends and boyfriends and you even ‘introduced’ me to my husband. He loved you as much as I did but after a few years he realized perhaps you weren’t as great as we all thought and he distanced himself from you.
I thought he was being over-dramatic and I continued our relationship and we all (hubby, me and you) thrived together. Well, I thought so anyway. I sometimes think he was angry at you or perhaps jealous – well, these were his issues, not yours and mine.
You were at our wedding, obviously, came on every holiday with us, witnessed the birth of my two children albeit at a distance. I think pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding made you squeamish but you were soon back with a vengeance. I found like-minded friends who loved you as I did and many afternoons, lunches, evenings, parties, events were celebrated with you. You were amazing. We were fabulous.
Or were we?
You were my first love, constant love and forever love. We were an amazing team and being apart was NOT an option.
Many times, I did wonder if our bond was toxic and unhealthy. Actually, if I’m honest, I knew our relationship was toxic, but leaving you behind was unimaginable, incomprehensible, unfathomable (yip, you can guess all the synonyms) and frankly fucking scary.
So, we continued “thriving” together, battered and bruised the next morning, remorseful, often nauseous but always trying to maintain perfection through a blur of lies.
I was always upbeat (encouraging, positive, friendly): a fabulous Mom and wife (class mom, PTA, horse mom and groom, homework always done, meals always cooked), sporty (did cycle races, iron man, marathons) – all in an attempt to keep you around and show how you didn’t affect me, how I still continued being fabulous, could still handle our relationship. All just a smoke screen I now realize.
Sadly, I soon came to the realization that our relationship was taking its toll on my daughters (now grown up and who can see you and I for themselves), my ever patient and supportive husband and a few friends who were bored of you and I constantly attached to the hip – wherever I went, you came along-no matter what. I knew something had to give.
Guilt was the biggest burden all round and it was all-consuming. Only someone who is as infatuated with you as I was would understand the constant, nagging, unrelenting guilt.
So, after a lot of praying, soul searching, reaching out, I did the bravest and scariest thing I’ve ever done in my whole life: 6 months, 3 days, 5 hours, 28minutes and 17 seconds ago I said good bye to you forever!
I’m not going to remind you, or myself for that matter, of the sordid, sad, pathetic, shameless, mad things we did together; although at the time we thought they were amazing, wonderful, amusing and fun. No, I’m going to focus on the positive that’s come since saying goodbye.
My relationship with my daughters and husband has improved 100% first and foremost. I was always, and I mean always, feeling guilty so was always trying to compensate for never being the ‘parent” I should have been.
I have complete new-found confidence which I never thought was possible. Wasn’t I always confident? Umm no I wasn’t- you gave me the confidence and courage (smokescreen 1). But now I have self-belief which brings a new and different kind confidence on its own.
I was always healthy, drank litres of water and aware of what I ate and drank except when I was with you (smoke screen 2). I always made allowances for you. ALWAYS.
Anyway, as it turns out, I was never really that healthy. OK, so I did lots of sports (smokescreen 3), I was fit and strong. Again, just a smoke screen so people wouldn’t see the real me.
Anyways, if you are still reading and haven’t fallen asleep with my smugness and new-found freedom, let me say how every day I wake up feeling refreshed after a fantastic night’s sleep. I’m now honest with myself and everyone else. I can look people in the eye for the first time in forever.
I never for one-minute take for granted how you could walk straight back into my life and I’d take you back in a heartbeat, but I take each day at a time. I read (yip I actually read again and remember what I’ve read), still do my sports but with a clear head and being more focused, way fitter and stronger.
I enjoy dinners out without you being the main focus and actually eat my meals which are delicious by the way. I enjoy time at home and not always planning a “celebration” just to be with you – any excuse would do. I’ve found new hobbies, do yoga and strength training whilst continuing my other sports. I’m looking good even if I do say so myself – I’ve lost 7kg’s and many centimetres, my skin glows and I look younger than I have for years.
I just love, love, love the compliments I keep receiving from others. I spend hours doing puzzles and blockbusters. Holidays away are amazing and adventurous and busy – I don’t have you to distract me from lunch time onwards. I seem to have so much time (who knew so much time existed)? I still meet up with friends for lunches or coffee (some friends miss you and are not as keen to invite me anymore – I think they actually preferred you to me anyway, so it’s their loss).
I miss you on occasion but am learning to live without you and oh, how amazing, fabulous, brilliant and most of all liberating its been.
My biggest irritation is why, oh why did my parents ever introduce us? Why did they not discourage our relationship? Instead they seemed to cheer (ha ha excuse the pun) the relationship. I think I know the answer though – if they couldn’t beat you then they may as well drag me along with them and with you. Sadly, for me, they will always continue to love you.
AND my biggest, biggest regret is that I didn’t have the courage or strength to leave you way sooner. Why did I let you consume so many of my years?
Good bye, my love…