Dear Wine (I don’t need to be too specific, you know who you are),
It’s been 141 days since we parted ways. I know this because I have an app telling me so. Though I find myself not religiously counting the days anymore, which indicates that your grasp on me has weakened. I’m thankful for that.
I’d like to start out by saying: “It’s not me – it’s you.” I’ve realised that the hold you had on me wasn’t unique to me – or dependent on the dynamic between the two of us. Since taking a few steps back I’ve been able to see the effects of your abuse on others. What, didn’t your mother hug you as a child?
You’re the epiphany of every abusive relationship I’ve come to know. Slowly building me up, making me believe that I’m wonderful – highlighting all of my positive qualities that only you know to look for. Only to tear me down once I’ve reached that high. Gaslighting me into believing I’m worthless and doomed. Playing on my insecurities that I let you in on because I believed I could trust you. And finally – you had me thinking that I needed you. That I couldn’t go a day without you.
You turned me into an anxiety-driven mess of a person that I couldn’t respect. You nearly ruined some of my most precious relationships. I knew that healing would require a clean break from you. And that is why I left you – without notice, without saying goodbye (because that’s too good a word, babe – apologies to Mr Dylan.)
“I’d say go to hell, but I never want to see you again.”
– Mad men.